Clouds

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I’m captivated by the billows of the clouds,
The seamless shifting from smooth to ruffled,
Never ending labyrinths etched by the wind.
Soaring above, I’m filled with wonder,
Entranced by the textures blanketing the sky,
Layered like paint, masking the world below.
Snow capped mountains peak through,
Sharp white ridges piercing the gradient puffs,
Thin patches of wisps reveal glimpses of creation,
Outlines of plains and waves blurred by the mist,
Millions of life giving particles suspended in air,
Forming each wisp, billow, and puff,
Until heaviness amounts and gravity prevails,
Drop by drop, crumbling into rain.
Lingering fragments, floating like cotton,
Pushed and pulled by invisible currents,
Simultaneously gathered and dissipated,
The drifting white and grey play a silent melody,
Amplifying the majesty of the Composer.

12.26.22

Resilience

It is a shield during trauma
The fight in fight or flight mode
The strength driving survival mode
When you don’t know how to keep going

It propels you forward
In search of stability amidst chaos
In search of hope and light
When darkness is overtaking

It is met with praise and admiration
“I don’t know how you’re doing it”
When you want to fall apart

It rationalizes unhealthy circumstances
Because “you keep bouncing back”
When nothing changes for the better

It overlooks the long term damage
Written in the depths of your heart and mind
Emerging when the trauma has passed

It is meant to be a temporary protection
But we stay longer than we should
It becomes our familiar, our known comfort

When is it ok to stop being resilient?
To let everything unravel.
To let the pieces fall apart.

Surely that doesn’t make you weak?
Surely resilience is not meant to be constant?
So then, when does the healing start?

7.8.21

Heart at War

in

My heart is at war with itself
It is full of gratitude for the God's blessings in my life
But there is a longing waiting to be filled

My heart is pulled in two directions
It is full of joy from time with loved ones
But there is an ache for a family of my own

My heart is learning to balance in contentment
It is lifted by the laughter with friends
But deflated by moments of loneliness

My heart is a beautiful contrast of emotion
It is full of love and joy in God's love
And met with peace and comfort when it aches

I find such joy in spending time with friends and families
I fight to stop those moments from being laced with ache and longing
But pressing in to that allows a deeper appreciation for it

12.12.21

Memories & Grief

in

Memories

I’m four and you’re scratching my back as you say goodnight,
I’m five and watching you get your hair done, feeling so special that I’m with you,
I’m seven and you’re showing me where the treats I can give to Korie,
I’m eight and we’re enjoying a Dixie Cup ice cream on a hot summer day,
I’m nine and you introduce me to the wonder of Sight and Sound theater, 
I’m ten and we’re playing card games -- progressive rummy, sequence, Rummikub,
I’m eleven and you ask me to help put out the plate of Christmas cookies,
I’m twelve and you’re showing me a new part of the world and adventure on the cruise,
I’m thirteen and you’re taking care of me when I have an excruciating migraine,
I’m fourteen and we’re picking strawberries on spring break in Florida,
I’m seventeen and you make me feel so loved when I’ve forgotten how to love myself,
I’m twenty-one and recounting my travel adventures around the country,
I’m twenty-two and I’m telling you all about my new job and living in Atlanta,
I’m twenty-four and I’m making your annual Christmas cookies, for you and your friends,
I’m twenty-six and I’m visiting you in the hospital, praying for God to stregnthen you,
I’m twenty-seven and cherishing every one of your accidental calls,
I’m twenty-eight and I’m saying goodbye to you for the last time,
I’m heartbroken and would give anything to hear you call me “Boo,” just one more time.    

7.27.21, 8.20.21

Memories Part 2

I remember meeting you when you were a baby, at Nana Estell’s birthday party
I think that sparked my desire for a younger sibling. 
Little did I know that twenty some years later, I would have the opportunity to feel like your big sister.
I will never know if you felt the same, but I cherished those moments…

Watching a movie on the couch,
Playing silly card games in the MPR,
Christmas cookie decorating, 
Sushi on New Years Eve
The deer leaping in front of my car
Making a huge lunch for the guys, 
And realizing we forgot an ingredient.

But what I treasure most, is that deep conversation we had,
And when you called to check on me, when my world was crashing down.
I know you left so much unsaid, hurt and pain you held deep within your heart. 
I wish we had more time to talk, to dive down and walk through it together. 
But you left this world before we had the chance,

12.07.21